I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
