Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't deserve a penis
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize