that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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