I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
