sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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