Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
