i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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