Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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