What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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