so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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