They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
