Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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