He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Randomize
