R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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