I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
