Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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