I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
