found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
