so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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