3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
