Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize