You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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