I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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