i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
