Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
