I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
