Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
