JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
