ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
