can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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