A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
