Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
