he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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