i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
