someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How does it feel to date your dad?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
