I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize