Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
