Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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