My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize