sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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