I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
