please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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