also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
