i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
