Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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