It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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