so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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