How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
