you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
