My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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