I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
