I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
