im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
