You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
