I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
