I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize