I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
