goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
