she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
