As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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