How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
