Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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