It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
