Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
