Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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