did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Boobs are out for the taking
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
