So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
