one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
