You really coming over, don't trick.
Already got asked if we're dating
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
