she looked like the before picture.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
