the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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